Chasing the Dragon

A friend of mine introduced me to the term about 6 or 7 months ago. It refers to a drug user's tendency to pursue the ultimate high. They're always searching for that pinnacle of existence, that nirvana. But it never comes. Every failed attempt just leaves the user wanting to experience that high even more. Of course, the rational response to consistent failure is, "It'll work next time!" And when the user doesn't experience the high the next time they use, they believe it will happen the time after that.

The desire to experience this high often leads to constant drug use. When they aren't using, the user is looking for more drugs to use. The user is always chasing the dragon, but they never catch it. Chasing the Dragon is usually mentioned in reference to Heroin. Heroin is incredibly addictive, and that addiction usually takes hold the first time someone uses.

It makes sense to me. It's biological.

When we eat, dopamine(the pleasure neurotransmitter) is released in the brain. We associate the happiness with eating, which causes us to want more food - even if we don't need it. It's an adaptation from when food was scarce. However, now that food is in abundance(in the U.S. At least), this biological response can be maladaptive.

The same thing happens when a drug user shoots up, snorts, or smokes their drug of choice. It feels good. In the case of Heroin, there's generally an entire body euphoria. Nothing matters, the world outside of them doesn't even exist. They're happy. As a result of this euphoria, they want it again. Just as our bodies strive for more food, the user strives for more of their drug. It's both psychological(mental addiction) and physiological(physical dependence).

I get this. I understand the effects of the drugs on the user. But here's what I don't understand; why?

Why does someone feel the desire to believe that the world doesn't even exist around them? What is it about that Euphoria that's so amazing that it's worth living a life full of anxiety? Why do people start using hard drugs? Why do we enjoy being in an altered state of mind, SO MUCH?

I've smoked pot. If you know me, you know that. I also got caught, and I haven't smoked in a year and a month or so. I'd done it before I got to school. I don't know how many times I did it, but I did. I did it because it was there. I did it because it made me giggle. It made me carefree. It didn't make me infantile, but it made me damn close.

I was happy. I was hungry. I was tired. I was horny. I was deep. I was shallow. I was everything I was before I got high, but slower. And I ENJOYED it.

I enjoyed being slower. I enjoyed being carefree, happy, hungry, tired, horny, deep, and shallow.

I apparently didn't need it, as it's been so long since I've done it. I don't understand the appeal of being slower. I can understand the appeal of being carefree, but I don't stress much as it is. I'm also a fairly happy person, and I have no problems with my appetite or getting sleep. My libido is strong, and I like to think that I'm relatively deep. And I'm definitely somewhat shallow.

I want to know what causes the first hit, the first shot, or the first snort.

I think that we're so jaded, as a species, to the beauty of life. We take it for granted, which is horseshit. I wish I didn't. I have no idea if I'm going to be alive tomorrow. I really hope I will be, and I don't like thinking about what would happen if I weren't. But a lot of us go through life constantly looking for our next fix, constantly searching for confirmation that we're not living for nothing.

Some of us look up, to a higher being for inspiration. Some of us look ahead to our future, which we've meticulously planned. Some of us look down, to the bowl, the needle, or the pile of powder. And then there are those of us who look outwards, and seek satisfaction in other people.

Why?? Why isn't life enough?

I wish I could get up every morning and realize what a miracle it is to be alive. I write that, and I don't even know if I believe it.

Isn't there inherent joy in being alive? Isn't there joy in every breath we take? If not, shouldn't there be? We're alive.

We have thoughts, computers, websites where we can put our thoughts, grocery stores, cars, culture, laws; we have trees, rivers, mountains, clouds, stars, grass, and animals. There is so much around us. It's just so difficult to find the time to slow down and soak it in.

Merry Christmas