SICK ALBUM

What I Believe

In High School, Carlie introduced me to her Church, First Baptist Church, of Newport News. I went for a while and after a while was Baptized and even became a member. I was active, as was she, in the youth group. The group above youth group, but below the 'adults' who are married is called the "Young Singles." When I left Newport News for JMU, they put me on the young singles E-Mail list. I've gotten e-mails, almost daily, for the past two years. Here's an example (The coloring is just to keep track of what I write, and what others write):

TONIGHT we meet at shoe lane at 7pm for bible study. THE PREVIOUS E-MAIL WAS DRAFTED YESTERDAY, BUT SENT TODAY. SORRY!

I finally found the gumption to respond the sender (It was at one point, "Pops," Dennis Adams, then it was Jared Demerrit, when he left, I didn't know who it was) and ask if I could have my e-mail removed from the list. Here's my e-mail:

Dear E-mail List (I don't know who sends these out anymore),

I went to FBC for about a year or more, about 3 or so years ago. I had always been pretty skeptical of God, Jesus, and the Bible. In hindsight I should have known that I was a bad Christian one day in Sunday School. My teachers were Rob (I can't remember his name, but he was a pretty awesome guy; he does music.) and Joey Beck. They were talking about Heaven. They talked about the massive pearls and the gates that adorned the entrance to heaven. They talked about the throne where God sat. They mentioned how Jesus sat to his right (my left). They then mentioned eternal worship.

I was terrified. I thought, "No way. There's no way that the God I want to believe in would be so megalomaniacal as to make me stay on my knees, singing his praises, for ETERNITY." Two things bug me about that: 1) Unless those clouds are really soft, my knees would be killing me, and 2) Eternity? I can't imagine eternity. But imagining an eternity where I would be forced (or I guess, by acting in accordance to the bible, chose) to worship our infinitely merciful God sucked. If he was infinitely merciful, I like to think he'd give me something awesome - like a massive pool filled with a 1:5 mix of chocolate syrup and ice cream, respectfully.

In any case, that's when I should have realized that I was a bad Christian. It turns out that I didn't realize. It took me going to college to realize it. Once I was out of the culture of the youth group and church in general, I had absolutely no motivation to go. I didn't feel any stirrings of the "Holy Spirit" in my life. I read the bible once or twice, but it wasn't inspiring to me. I continued to pray, but I felt like I was talking to myself (don't people put straight jackets on the "crazies" who do the same?). I just didn't really believe, but I was afraid. I was afraid of eternal damnation. I'd been exposed to Pascal's Wager in Sunday School. Essentially: "If I live my life believing in God, and it turns out that I'm wrong - I lose nothing. If I live my life not believing in God, and I'm wrong - I lose everything."

This isn't an argument for God's existence, and it isn't even a good reason to believe in God. It's fear-mongering at its finest. And it works. I was still afraid of being smothered in a pit of fire and brimstone; of being eternally tortured and maimed, for a reason as simple as disobeying my parents. For some reason, I believe that God (if He existed), would be a bit more upset that I didn't believe in Him than if I told my mom that she's being silly for enforcing a curfew on me.

However, after much thought, examination of the evidence (or lack thereof), reading, more thought, and more examination, I decided that there is no God. I could elaborate on the heart-wrenching guilt that I felt when my actions didn't match the biblical archetype, but I won't.

I apologize if this seems vitriolic and angry, because that's not the case. It's not as though a lack of god(s) has made me inherently bitter and angry at the world. In fact, the reverse is true. Now, I stare in awe at how the world works, instead of basking in the ignorance that religion so earnestly promotes. For example, the more a person is educated, the more a person is exposed to the evidence - the more his or her "faith" is revered. I didn't read that from a book, that's at FBC. If you don't believe that statement, just think about it for a minute. The faith of a Rocket Scientist is more revered than that of a farmer (I added this in hindsight, to clarify what I meant).

Faith is exhalted as some mystical force that one must posess in order to be virtuous. But faith is just something that's invoked when one doesn't understand something. You wouldn't say that it takes faith to understand that 2 gallons of water being pushed through a pipe, with the same amount of force, is going to go faster if the diameter of the pipe is smaller. However, faith is a perfectly acceptable for other things, such as how Man came to be, or what happens after this life. Religion says that it's okay to question; as long as the answers don't interfere with established dogma, thus fostering ignorance.

In any case, I've decided not to believe in a personal, omnipotent, and omnipresent god. It bothers me when people refuse to look at the evidence. It bothers me when people don't believe that our explanations for how life originated and evolved are more wondrous and exciting than "God made it." And that may help explain some of the inherent tension in this e-mail.

Finally, I write to you to ask to be removed from this list. I've wanted to do this for a while, I just figured it would come off as a bit douchey. I appreciate your time, and I apologize for the length of this e-mail.

Thanks,

Brad Carter

I didn't get a response until the next day:

We're having fellowship and Bible study again tonight @ 7pm! ~ The address is [ADDRESS]. in Newport News.

Also, Jamie Keithley and some of the Young Singles are going bowling tonight. Call Jamie if you're interested :) Her cell is [NUMBER].

See you later!

Drew

I was pissed. My e-mail was really well thought out and well written, yet I didn't get a response. So I responded:

Dear Drew,

Apparently my last e-mail was too long winded. I hope that you'll forgive me and allow me another opportunity:

Please take me off of this list.

Don't make me speak to God about the matter.

Love,
Brad

Was it rude? Maybe. Anyway, I got a response. Not from Drew, who was apparently sending the e-mails, but from "Pops," Dennis Adams.

Hi Brad! This is Mr. Adams (Pops), the Music guy at First Baptist. I hope all is going well with you. How was school this year?

I hope you thought you might hear from me after your e-mail from earlier in the week. I appreciate how you are feeling, and it is good that you are putting so much thought into religion and spiritual matters. I would be lying if I said I'm okay with what you are feeling. I am sad to the core, and I would love to sit down and talk with you. I guess you'll let me know if that can happen or not.

My biggest problem is, based on your e-mail, I am spending my entire life and career chasing a myth. If you are right, I'm a fool. I don't feel at all foolish for trusting in something unseen. I guess that's faith.

If I was an elementary school dropout, I could accept that I am un illiterate bumpkin with no basis for what i claim to be truth. However, even though I don't belong to MENSA, I did learn a few things in my 8 years of college. What I realize is the more I read and study, the more I realize I do not know.

Is it possible that you opened the door a tiny crack back in high school to let a little religion trickle in, and now you have thrown the door wide open for unbelief to flood into your mind and heart?

Are you ticked at me yet? My intention is to explore the possibility of a dialogue with you, whether it's e-mail or face-to-face.

I remember our time in youth choir, and especially choir tour. The Brad from then does not seem to be the Brad from today. What actually has happened? How did you become so enlightened? You know the old saying about if it looks like poo, and smells like poo, and tastes like poo, it must be poo?

Do you dismiss all evidence of God ever having existed in your life?

Can we talk? I have only the fondest memories of you, and I wouldn't be much of a person or friend if I didn't at least try to catch up with you. If you are right, I need to know before I throw away the rest of my career working for someone who doesn't exist.

I do love you and hope we can get together. I'll even go so far as to say that we can get together and not even discuss religion. I promise.

The next e-mail will come from you. I won't bug you again, but you can bet your bottom dollar, whatever that is, that you are being prayed for, even if you don't want it.

Please don't be angry with me. I am going to move your e-mail address from the young singles account to my own.

I am at dadams1054@gmail.com.

I am your friend,

Dennis Adams

So I decided to respond. It took me an hour and a half to write this response:

Pops!

You didn't have to say the Music guy. I remember you, as you remember me, with nothing but fondness. I respect you, and I won't get angry with you. Anyone who can't discuss something as dear to them as their religious beliefs without going bonkers probably needs to re-examine those beliefs and find their source of insecurity. Sorry if that last e-mail seemed a little angry. What I meant to accomplish with the first e-mail was to just explain, even a little, why I wanted to be off the list. I didn't want to send a "Hey, take me off this list," e-mail, because I felt that it would be disrespectful. It's not that the e-mails offend me - they don't. It's not that they're annoying - even though the sheer volume of e-mails sometimes is. It's just the fact that I'm hardly in Newport News, and when I am, I don't feel that pull to go to church.

So let me get to my response.

My biggest problem is, based on your e-mail, I am spending my entire life and career chasing a myth. If you are right, I'm a fool. I don't feel at all foolish for trusting in something unseen. I guess that's faith.

If I was an elementary school dropout, I could accept that I am un illiterate bumpkin with no basis for what i claim to be truth. However, even though I don't belong to MENSA, I did learn a few things in my 8 years of college. What I realize is the more I read and study, the more I realize I do not know.

I would have to respectfully agree about you probably chasing a myth.

I don't understand how Christians can denounce the beliefs of the Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Ancient Greeks or Egyptians, Zoroastrians, or Native Americans, while wholeheartedly accepting that their God is the one "true" god.
I don't understand how Jews can denounce the beliefs of the Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Ancient Greeks or Egyptians, Zoroastrians, or Native Americans, while wholeheartedly accepting that their God is the one "true" god.

I don't understand how Muslims can denounce the beliefs of the Jews, Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, Ancient Greeks or Egyptians, Zoroastrians, or Native Americans, while wholeheartedly accepting that their God is the one "true" god.
Etc, etc.

Everyone believes that their own God(s) is the true God. They can't all be right. One's beliefs are most often determined by their place of birth. If you and I were born in, say, Iran, we'd undoubtedly be Allah fearing Muslims. We may not have been as zealous as some, but there's a good chance that we'd believe that the infidel deserve to die. If we were born in India, we'd likely be Hindu, fearing Krishna or Vishnu. Luckily for us, we weren't born in those countries. We were born in a country where you're free to believe anything (Who knows, maybe Tom Cruise is right?) or nothing at all.

Your last sentence is a good thought, and it's one which I agree. Religion (I'll focus on Christianity, because I don't really know as much about the others) preaches certitude. Ask anyone in FBC's congregation, and whether or not they truly believe it, they will respond to the question, "Do you believe, with 100% certainty, that there is life after death?" with a "Yes." I don't know if there's life after death; however, the evidence seems to point to "no" (I'll probably expound on that later). In any case, Religion preaches absolute certainty. Everyone is 100% sure that Jesus will come back and judge everyone. The End Times have been near since the Bible was written. I don't claim 100% knowledge of everything. I claim doubt. I doubt that what's in the Bible is true. I doubt that there's life after death, and I hope that there's not - for an afterlife cheapens this life. I doubt lots of things. But I do believe.

I believe in science. Science can't prove anything. It can only give us probabilities: "There's less than a 5% chance that these results would be duplicated by chance." This is the standard which most Scientists and Doctors base their empirical studies. Some go for a less than 1% chance. However, science is backed up by replicating studies and reproducing results.

If a study is replicated, but the results are not - then it is replicated by another scientist. If that scientist cannot replicate the results, it is replicated again by another scientist. Eventually, we realize that someone made an error, or the original faked their data. To see this, google Dr. Andrew Wakefield. He started the whole, "MMR Vaccine causes Autism" scare in the 90s. He's since been disproven. My point is that Science is all about replication. If something is replicated enough, it's seen as fact, though it may be formally called a theory. If there was evidence for God's existence, then there would be no Atheists, Jews, Muslims, etc. I would happily change my beliefs if it were experiments or studies could reliably and empirically prove that God existed. And saying that God exists outside of the Natural world, to me, seems like a cop-out.

But back to science. If something is replicated enough, it's seen as fact, though it may be formally called a theory. This is a case of semantics. For example, it is still called the "Heliocentric Theory," yet no one would argue that the Earth doesn't orbit the Sun. However, when you muddle in the origins of Man, people get uppity and harp that "Evolutionary Theory" is just a theory. Just a side note: I firmly believe in Evolution. Could it be disproven one day? Of course. Find us an animal (on earth) with DNA unlike anything we've ever seen here, and there's your proof. It takes but one case to disprove science. However, there's currently no other theory that could explain why we share ANY genes AT ALL with bacteria (Not to mention, fossil evidence and DNA evidence.) Evolution is accepted amongst the Scientific community with the same veracity that the Heliocentric theory is accepted. No reputable Biologist disagrees that through Natural Selection, animals adapt and evolve to survive in their natural environments. There are disagreements about whether Evolution is Gradual and Continuous, or intermittent and jumpy. Notably, Richard Dawkins and Stephen Jay Gould disagree, respectively. While they disagree they do, however, believe that life arose through the evolution of species. FWIW, I agree with Dawkins - evolution is gradual.

Sorry about that digression. I'm a big fan of Evolution.

Is it possible that you opened the door a tiny crack back in high school to let a little religion trickle in, and now you have thrown the door wide open for unbelief to flood into your mind and heart?

Are you ticked at me yet? My intention is to explore the possibility of a dialogue with you, whether it's e-mail or face-to-face.

I remember our time in youth choir, and especially choir tour. The Brad from then does not seem to be the Brad from today. What actually has happened? How did you become so enlightened? You know the old saying about if it looks like poo, and smells like poo, and tastes like poo, it must be poo?

I'm not sure how to answer this first part. I came to church because I was skeptical. I was skeptical of God, Jesus, and Religion in general. I was skeptical of Atheists, Muslims, Jews, and others. I didn't understand how they knew that they were right. So I came. I came. And I came. And I came. This is supposed to be repetitive. Have you ever wondered why you're supposed to go to church? And you're supposed to immerse yourself in the Bible? This is undoubtedly because whenever one immerses themselves in a specific subset of a culture, in a certain field, in a certain discipline, they believe it. The farther you are away from the church and the bible, the less likely it is to have a hold on you. Also, think of the children. Have you ever wondered why St. Francis said, "Give me the boy until the age of seven, I'll give you the man."? When I was in church, I was still very impressionable. I'm not saying that I believed because I was impressionable, or that the church purposely deceived me. Most people I met were good people with good intentions. But, as they say, "The road to hell was paved with good intentions."

Anyway, I believed what I heard, sort of. I was always questioning. I remember asking Adrian (Mark's wife...don't know if I spelled her name right) how it was that Moses, Aaron, and the people in the old testament lived close to 1000 years. She explained to me that there are a few theories, and that one is that there weren't as many people, and thus there wasn't as much sin in the world - so they lived longer. So I thanked her and thought, "Well, the population has been growing exponentially...yet people are living longer. That doesn't make sense."

Naturally, I threw it aside and trusted that it'd all work itself out. And it didn't. I had lots of questions, and none were answered satisfactorily. Unfortunately, I don't remember them all. However, one I do remember is contradictions in the Bible. I wondered how, if the Bible was the word of God, and God was infallible, how the Bible could possibly have contradictions in it. No one ever answered that question for me, so I just had to let it settle. These seeds of doubt were planted before I headed off to school, where I wasn't surrounded by Christians, eager to protect my belief in God. I had opportunities to surround myself with Christians, but for some reason I didn't.

As far as what happened, how I became "Enlightened," it was a very, very gradual process. Up to even last year, I would see a beautiful sunset and say to myself, "How can you not believe that SOMETHING created that for US?" This was before I was exposed to other explanations. As I said in my last e-mail, religion rewards questioning, when it doesn't interfere with established dogma. The ignorance fostered by this is astounding. Did you know that some people actually believe that the Earth is 6,000 years old? People still doubt evolution, because it's apparently seen as a kind of insult to humanity. "You're the product of 3 and a half billion years of evolution."(Some often forget that everything is always evolving. Bears are also a product of 3 and a half billion years of evolution. So are mice, shrews, squid, and pine trees.) I don't see how it's such an insult, but some take offense to it.

I've been exposed to the creationist view of how life came about, and I find it much less intellectually satisfying than the truth. The thought of Noah riding a triceratops is ludicrous. And if the argument is that God created life, then what created God? The creator of the creator must have had a creator. The creator of the creator's creator must have had a creator. Ad infinitum.

There's a lot of intolerance, ignorance, and injustice carried out and maintained in the name of God. It's just not for me. So I guess you're right. The Bible, and by association, God, must be poo. :)

Do you dismiss all evidence of God ever having existed in your life?

Can we talk? I have only the fondest memories of you, and I wouldn't be much of a person or friend if I didn't at least try to catch up with you. If you are right, I need to know before I throw away the rest of my career working for someone who doesn't exist.

I do love you and hope we can get together. I'll even go so far as to say that we can get together and not even discuss religion. I promise.

Yes. Mostly because there wasn't any evidence of God in my life. If God sent me a letter, or spoke to me, I'd say there was evidence. If he ever showed himself to me whilst I was in a sober state of mind (a lot of people see God when they're high), I would say that there was evidence of God in my life. But there wasn't. For instance, when I was Baptized. It was the culmination of my Christian "career." I was dunked under the water, and pulled out to the applause of the congregation. I walked up the steps and into the hallway. All I felt was cold from my damp clothes and that incredible AC. I spoke to Carlie about it and she said that she felt something. Something she couldn't explain. She labeled it the "Holy Spirit." She said she felt Him around her as she was dunked. I didn't feel that. I felt nothing. I just hoped that Brian Williams was strong enough to lift me back out of the water.

I'd love to talk to you. I just know from personal experience, that unless someone is willing to hear what the other person is saying, there's no hope for change. I could listen to you about God, and how you know that he exists, but it probably wouldn't change my mind. I could talk to you about all of the evidence against God, and about how there's none in favor of Him, but it wouldn't change your mind. So I doubt you'll be "Throwing away your career." I have no doubts that you honestly believe in God. That you believe that Jesus died, was resurrected 3 days later, and will be back sometime in the future. I have no doubt that you believe that God truly exists and has revealed himself to you. I have no doubt about that. But I doubt I could change your mind, even if I tried.

Which brings me to my almost final point. I'm not trying to change your mind. I cannot find the exact quote right now, but it's by Dan Barker, who wrote Losing Faith in Faith, and Godless: How an Evangelical Preacher Became one of America's Leading Atheists. It roughly said that, "One does not actively try to "convert" another to atheism. It is a private, personal journey, made all the stronger by an intimate examination of the evidence, and deciding what to believe accordingly." I don't try to tell people that they're wrong for believing what they do. If it makes them comfortable to believe that there's something up there watching everything we do, great. If they gain security in the belief in the afterlife, awesome. But I don't.

I appreciate the correspondence, and look forward to your response.

Take care Pops.

With love,
Brad

After that mouth full, I went to bed. The next morning, this was in my inbox:

my dear friend,

while we disagree, i love that our friendship is based on mutual respect and not dependent on our religious views. i would absolutely love to get with you for lunch or just to hang out. when can we make that happen? btw, we do not have to discuss religion. i'd really like to just find out about your life, college, plans, etc. you know, the stuff of life.

always your friend,

dennis/pops/mr. adams

I haven't responded yet because I'm not sure if I want to speak with him. I haven't spoken to him in years, but I may catch up with him.

Grief and Such

Luci, Pre-Obesity

About 4 hours ago, at 5:45, I woke up. My door had been knocked open by my Grandma's fist. As if that wasn't enough to scare me shitless, I could hear her crying. I got up to see her bent over petting Luci, our 9 year old mutt. Luci hadn't eaten in 6 days. She had a large tumor that "felt" benign (we didn't have the money to shell out for an x-ray) on her left side. She'd been limping recently, and two days ago getting up became difficult for her. She hadn't drank any water in 12 hours, and hadn't urinated in 24 hours. All she'd do was lie around, and even then she'd whimper.

Yesterday she vomitted a small puddle of liquid. My grandma cleaned it up and said that it looked like bile. I took her word for it, because I don't know what bile looks like. This morning she vomitted again. She tried to get outside, but had to stop at the threshold of my mom's door. She couldn't walk anymore. Her hips weren't working correctly.

My grandma woke me up to try to help Luci get outside; she thought that Luci had to pee. So I did. I picked her up in front of her hips, and she got started. She did this awful, side to side swaddle; clearly pulling more with her front than her hind legs. After 5 or 6 steps, I couldn't watch it any more, and decided to carry her outside. I put my right arm behind her legs and my left arm under her chest. I lifted all 68 pounds of her and carried her down the hall, out the front door, down the steps, and to the lawn. I sat her down on the grass, hoping she'd pee. She looked at me for a second, and then laid down. She surveyed the yard, and then put her head down.

Last night, Nanny and I were sitting outside talking. We spoke about God, Carlie, Luci, and Euthanasia. When we started talking about Euthanasia, she started crying. My Grandma blamed herself for not having the money to spend on saving Luci's life. I told her that no amount of wishing, hoping, or money would be able to reverse all of what was wrong with Luci. I likened it to driving a car in deep mud. We'd be spinning our tires, but we'd be getting nowhere. All we'd be doing was unnecessarily prolonging her suffering, and wasting precious money.

After that conversation, I went about my business. I hung out with Aaron for a few hours; then I came home and watched TV. I thought about what I'd be like if we had to put Luci down, and I realized that I didn't think I'd cry. Not because I'm some Macho alpha male; but because I wasn't sad. Luci was in pain. Clear and obvious pain. She wasn't eating. She was exhibiting all of the signs of a dying dog. I took solace in the fact that if she had to be put down (which I was hoping she would be), that there'd be no pain. She'd be blissfully unaware. She'd feel drowsy, look at the world one last time, feel warm and tingly all over, and then sleep - forever.

After getting her in the car, we drove to the Vet. It's only a 10 minute drive. Normally she's whining and whimpering and running back and forth across the back seat, but today she just lie still. She sat up three or four times to look around, but plopped back down onto the seat cushion.

We got to the Vet at 6:58 am, 2 minutes before it opened. Mom and I sat there, turning around and petting her. I looked at her eyes and I knew that she was ready to go. They opened up, and Mom went inside while I waited in the car with Luci. After 2 or 3 minutes, I got in the back seat with her and just petted her and told her that myself and everyone else loved her. She just laid there while I knocked hair after hair off of her coat. I took her collar off, and for the first time in almost 2 years, I cried.

Eventually I wiped my face and went inside to see what was taking so long. Apparently the Vet opens at 7 am, but that doesn't mean that there will be a Veterinarian there. They told us that Dr. Leonard had to put her son on the bus, and should be in at 8:30, but in the mean time - they'd like to look at luci. So I walked outside with one of the Vet Techs following me. I had to roll her a little so I could get my left arm up under her butt and behind her legs, but I finally got her. I carried her through two glass doors and into the lobby of the Vet. Then I walked through another door and put her on a metal table. They took her temperature and checked her gums. They then asked me to put her in a cage with a "Comfy" blanket.

I went back into the lobby after telepathically telling her that I loved her and sat down next to my mom. Another Vet Tech came out and said that Dr. Leonard wanted to take a look at her, and would be in at 8:30. If we wanted, we could wait, or Dr. Leonard could call us with what she thought was best for Luci when she got around to it. Mom wanted to say goodbye, so they let her. I went and sat in the car.

I just got a call from Dr. Leonard about 30 minutes ago. She was saying how Luci doesn't seem to be in any pain, but she does seem to be weak. They found a tick on her. They said that they could probably get her "Happy and all better!" but that they would have to do bloodwork and get X-rays. After speaking with Nanny, I decided to call back and ask how much it would be. With an IV and Catheter, bloodwork and X-rays, it'd be about $300, with "Additonal treatment, extra." So I told her that I'd call her back.

Nanny was still wanting to do whatever she could. She was holding out hope that what she had was treatable. I was trying to tell her that we've already said goodbye - that if we didn't do this now, that we'd have to do it again in one or two years. Nanny wasn't hearing it. So I called back. Dr. Leonard had done bloodwork already, and answered the phone:

"I know what's wrong with her. She has addison's disease, which means that her adrenal glands have stopped functioning completely. And she has kidney failure. However, this is treatable. There's a drug, which will run you a bit of money, that we can sell you and you can inject on your own, that can potentially give her a normal, healthy life. I think after a few days of pushing intense IV fluids, that we can bring her kidneys back as well. There are no guarantees though."

The woman should work in alternative medicine. She kept trying to push this expensive false hope on us, after I told her that we really didn't have the money. I told her I'd call back, and she asked to speak with my grandma. I told her we'd call back in a few minutes.

I spoke with Nanny and she didn't want Luci to have to go through that. Now that she knew that Luci's kidneys were failing, she was at peace with Euthanasia. She didn't like having to do it, but she and Grandpa Kenn had a cat whose kidneys failed. Grandpa Kenn tried to save the cat, and in hindsight regrets having J.D. go through all of that pain and suffering for no reason. So Mom called Dr. Leonard, and Luci's going to be euthanized and cremated.

She lived a good life. She had more toys than most children. Hopefullly she'll go out peacefully, dreaming of peanut butter and steak.

While this entire ordeal hasn't been fun, it's been interesting to see how my family deals with grief.

My Grandma blames herself. She always has. She blames herself for my mother's problems, and she blamed herself for everything that was wrong with Luci. She tried everything. She tried forcefeeding her yogurt with a turkey baster, feeding her peanut butter (her favorite food), feeding her dog food, people food - everything. She drove herself ragged trying to get that dog to eat. And when Luci wouldn't, she blamed herself. And then she cried.

My mom is emotional. About everything. She was, however, uncharacteristically strong throughout all of this. Perhaps because we don't have that male figure in our life, she's had to take on a hybrid role as mother/father. She still cried at the Vet, but not in front of Geoff or Nanny. I know it's tearing her up, but she's trying not to show it. Perhaps it's not because she's had to take on two roles, perhaps it's the fact that her mother is crying and emotional - and she's trying to be strong for her. It's probably a combination of both.

My brother gets angry. I realized yesterday that what they've been saying for years has been true. He had seizures as a child and part of his brain doesn't work. He functions fine; but there's certain aspects of his personality that aren't up to snuff. They've always coddled him and treated him younger than he is, and I've always given them hell for it: "He's never going to grow up if you keep treating him like a child." I'm sure that it's not just the seizures, and it's not just the way he's treated. It's the interaction of both that make him the way he is. I tried talking to him last night about putting Luci down, but he wouldn't have any of it.

"Everybody's so fuckin' negative about Luci."

Geoff lets his emotions and best intentions get in the way of his decision making processes. I never realized it until last night. He could see all of the signs and symptoms that I could see, but he didn't want to talk about it. I asked him why he wanted to put it off. I told him that it wouldn't make it hurt any less tomorrow (today) if we had to do something. He just shouted and said,

"Oh, because you think that she's in pain, you want to kill her. Yeah, well I'm not fine with that. Okay? Now let's drop it. I don't want to talk about it."

So I did. I dropped it and rolled over. Lying there, staring at the wall, I realized something about myself that I didn't want to. I'm becoming this "Strong" male figure that we're taught to idolize as children. Out of neccessity, I'm maturing.

I'm able to sift emotions out of my decision making process. As such, this was an easy one for me to make. She's in pain. We don't have the money to make her life comfortable. So the next best thing is to just give her an easy exit; instead of a slow, agnozing death by kidney or other organ failure.

I'm not sure where I read this quote, or who this person is, but Kathleen Casey said the following:

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."

I'm not speaking about Luci's suffering, but my grandma's, mom's, and brother's. They're all going to languish over this for a while. I just hope that they don't beat themselves up too much over something they had no control over.

Oh Blessed Ignorance

Aaron sent me this earlier:

This motherfucker contributes to The Daily Press when he's not busy sounding ignorant.

This is a note he wrote on Facebook:

A female friend called a dude las night yo mad as hell dat her dude broke up wit her. So I asked her why she and her man broke up...cuz a dude knew dem both for a minute now yo and dey always appeared to look happy, but u neva kno.
She said "We neva had a guud relationship and i DONT CARE that we broke up...um jus mad dat he left me for a BIG GURL!!!"


U see mi eva so silly female friend is not really mad dat her man left her...nah dat doesn't seem to bother her at tall...wat has baby gurl so upset is da fact that everything she eva knew about dudes has been proven wrong. And she's not too excited to learn new lessons at 26 either yo.


We dudes like em all in 09 yo...big, skinny, tall, round and brown, yellow, white and purple...it really don't matter yo! A dude will kick it fareal fareal wit any female dat has dat swag dat he's lookin for, but havin dese few qualities don't hurt either yo:


1.STAY FRESH! Pick a pretty smellin unique frangrance combination and stick wit it...cuz it aint nothin sexier den bein able to tell ya gurl is around based upon the scent in da air.

2.STAY POSITIVE! I knew one gurl dat had da mos bangin body, but da mos depressin convo. All her days were gloomy. Sun jus did not exist in dis shawty's life at tall! And no dude wanted any dealins wit her either yo.

3.STAY YOU! Um a believer like mos dudes dat we were all made to hav our own personalities. If a female sticks to her natural personality and don't attempt to be somebody else, and stays fresh, and stays positive. No matter if she's big, skinny, or tall she will hav any dude she so desires... and dats real

And here was my reply:

Lisen yo who u 2 judge dude?

Dude just spittin troof. He vomits wizdom and pisses eloquence. Dnt h8 on a dude dat dont undastand pronouns and commas and shit. It cud b worse. At least he understands apostrophes and elipses n shit.

And u no part of me agrees wit dude.

Shawty gotta stay fresh cuz on dat true shit i like to know dat mi gurl is round just by smellin da freshness in da air.

And positivity is a MUST! U eva tried talkin 2 a negative nancy? NO! No one has! Cuz the bitch is wack! Shawty wakes up on the wrong side of the number line DAILY! People don't like dat shit.

FAKE BITCHES ARE WEAK! So i agree wit his last point n shit. Cant stand a girl dat aint true 2 herself. If you a big girl u gotta work wit what ya momma gave ya. Dont be tryin to fit into the mold that society has crafted. ESPECIALLY if u big!

And u no what? Fuck da female who thought it was aight to call dude last night. And fuck da female dat wont mad at her man for dumpin her, but was mad dat da big girl got her mans.

Let me close this off with a rap.


Dude is void and weak
Mind's all washed and bleak,
He just speaks and speaks
But says nothing.
A lack of knowledge combined with the mind
Of a man that likely idolizes crime is a problem.
It's sound advice but the presentation is wack,
Loosely organized with bad syntax.
Dude props himself up to be the next Nostradamus
But I wonder if he knows the names of all his baby mommas.

Doubt it.
Kid's out of it.
If you type cool n shit you'll go real far,
Until you're 40 years old living outta your car.
Don't hate - here comes my advice and I
Hope you're ready cuz It won't be said twice.

[interlude]
Whether u a big gurl or a small gurl or a white gurl or a purple gurl
Be urself nd don't let da haters get 2 u. Just be real!
[end interlude]

It's 2009 ya'll - this is the year that we like 'em all!
Big fat and tall, you can all suck my balls!

Just Stay fresh, stay positive and stay you.
And you too
Can get THIS dick.

♥

I decided to share this not only to show off my lyrical skills, but to also showcase the idiocy of this guy. Also, I thought Aaron's comment at the beginning was hilarious.

On love

This is a female Angler Fish. They're awesome creatures that live in the deep sea, where beauty doesn't matter. If you look at her and divide her in half vertically, you should see a large black spot that kind of looks like an eye. To the left is a little abscess on her belly. It's curled up and looks like a shrimp.

That's the male of the species. They're much smaller than the females. They're equipped with a number of sensory organs which are devoted to the sole purpose of finding a female. Once they find a female, they latch on to her. After a while he eventually fuses with her. They become a single organism.

Her blood flows through both of their bodies. Meanwhile, he provides her with a continuous flow of sperm. This mutually parasitic relationship is a beautiful solution to the problem of finding a mate in the vastness of the deep sea. Without the female, the male could not survive. Without the male, the female couldn't reproduce - and that's the fundamental goal for every organism in nature. So both of these animals NEED one another.

And now to my point.

There's a couple like that in my dorm, except it's not nearly as poetic or beautiful as the relationship between male and female Angler Fish. The girl doesn't live here, but she might as well. I've only seen the guy twice without her. One of those times he was on his way out of the dorm, probably to go get her.

It doesn't bother me that they're happy. It doesn't bother me that they're "in love." I haven't reached that level of bitterness and angst. They're just always together. I'm pretty sure that digestion stops when she leaves him. They're both in the marching band, and they play the same instrument. At worst it's offensive, at best it's obnoxious.

I've been in love, I think. And even then, you need an occasional break. The first time they watch you sit on the toilet it's cute, but after that it's just creepy. What these two have isn't (by my definition) love, it's obsession. Obsession is excusable early on in the relationship. But this level of codependency is sickening. Should they, for whatever reason break up, neither of them will have anyone to turn to.

It's frustrating for me to see two people who have no disregard for the consequences of their actions. It's frustrating for me to watch someone ruin their life.

I don't know the precise definition of love, but I know that it doesn't smother. It's like oxygen for your soul. It fosters growth instead of stifling it. It's exhilarating and euphoric. It's virulent in the manner in which it affects every aspect of you. It changes your vision - everything is more beautiful. It changes your outlook - the glass is half full.

When you're with the person you love, you're completely vulnerable. You peel back the facades that you carry around for various occasions and allow someone to see you for who you really are.

And maybe that's what these two kids have. Maybe they aren't ignorant of the consequences that await them. Maybe they've simply chosen to ignore them.

Vandalism

I was walking to a meeting with a professor yesterday, and I saw perhaps the deepest piece of vandalism ever.

Outside of buildings, they have those 6 ft high, green "Power boxes." I put that in quotations, because I have no idea what is in these boxes.

In any case, scratched into the green paint of a "Power Box," were the following words:

"You are what you hate. Hypocrisy is essential to life."

I'd just like to meet the person who wrote these words. Even if he/she didn't come up with them on their own, they must have found the words interesting. And if they found the words interesting, I'm sure that they're somewhat intelligent. I'd love to have a conversation with them, even if it was just a short one. I probably won't, but that won't keep me from wishing.

In any case, I love it. Great stuff, Intelligentvandal.

Quick Thought

"Follow the path least traveled" is derived from Robert Frost's Poem "The Road not Taken." The idea is to be a trailblazer, to not be like everyone else.

"Follow the path least traveled" is great advice, unless you're in snow of a depth greater than or equal to 3 inches. If you follow Frost's advice while you're in the snow, you'll end up with snow in your shoes and possibly hypothermia. So I say, take the path least traveled, unless you're in the snow, in which case you should walk in the footsteps of others whenever possible.